(this letter was sent to Kate Moss on the 18th March 2010 – awaiting a reply)
Dear Kate Moss,
May I begin by saying that you are very pretty and slim. If you were a savoury snack you’d be a bespoke cheese straw or a cashew nut and they are the best savoury snacks to be.
Now then you won’t like what I’m going to say but I feel I have to say it anyway. Kate Moss, you need to stop smoking. You’re too old to smoke, Kate. You’re not too old. But you are too old to smoke. Remember this, Kate: you’re not French.
In your 20′s you’re supposed to smoke. Just like you’re supposed to snog idiots and drink shots even after you’ve vomitted. But you have to stop smoking when you turn 30. When you’re 30 you have to take up yoga, oriental cooking and deviant sexual practises. It’s the law. It’s not all bad though Kate, you can have the occasional post coital cigarette once you turn 70. So something to look forward to.
I hope you don’t mind me writing it’s just we, the general public, like you and we worry. You rarely hear an uplifting smoking story, do you?
Yours very sincerely
A.Friend
(an Aldi own brand cheese ball)
Hi Aldi’s own brand cheese ball.
Your letter has got me thinking about my own savory snack status. After initially thinking I was a Twiglet, not due to the love or loath taste but rather my skinny little legs, I have now upgraded my self to a Jacobs Cracker – I go great with wine, can be a bit of a square and love cheese!
Keep the letters coming.