(this letter was sent to Wayne Bridge on March 2nd 2010 – currently awaiting reply)
Let me first begin by saying that you are a very, very good-looking man. If you were a dog in Eastenders you’d be called Well Fit.
When the story broke of John Terry having adult fun with your ex lady, girls reading The Screws Of The World thought ‘ooo, he’s nice, and he plays for England, bonus, at least there’ll be some totty to look at while we lose the world cup.’ Then they scrunched up their faces, shook their heads and added, ‘why does John Terry do that with his hair?’
But Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, what are you doing?
You are dangerously contravening the Wounded Party Manefesto to such a severe extent that I am wondering whether Max Clifford ever sent you a hard copy.
1) Giving up your place in the England Squad.Wayne, the Wronged Party Anthem, Surviver by Destiny’s Child, clearly states what to do. You’re ‘not gonna stop’. You’re ‘gonna work harder’ because your ‘mamma taught you better than that.’ Those poor underweight girls didn’t climb out of the sea in ripped dresses and sing ‘gonna to jack in my dream job because someone boffed my other half who I wasn’t technically with at the time’, did they, Wayne? No, course they didn’t. The public will only forgive you if you turned down The World Cup because Simon Cowell asked you to judge the new series of The X Factor.
2) Snubbing JT’s hand on the pitch.Anyone would think it was JT’s birthday, Wayne, because with that one action you made JT look the better man. And there’s a rarely seen grouping of words. As Oscar Wilde said ‘always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them more’.
Star Wars informs us ‘Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.’ I had to write, Wayne, because you’ve been paddling in the dark side. And I don’t want you to do that, Wayne. You’re far too pretty. So grab hold of this stick and let me gently hoik you out. And please, please, please play for England this summer, because the team will be proper minging without you.
On a lighter note, isn’t the sunshine that we’ve had the last few days lovely? I do hope you’re enjoying it. And jolly well done for Man City’s 4-2 thrashing of Chelsea on Saturday.
You’ll be all right , poppet, time is a great healer
Yours very sincerely
PS. I’ve enclosed a homemade compilation CD for you to play frequently in your car. Learn all lyrics and sing along loudly.
CD playlist: Right Said Fred- I’m Too Sexy, Gloria Gaynor- I Will Survive, Destiny’s Child-Survive, M People- Moving On Up, Pat Benetar- Love Is A Battlefield, Bon Jovi- You Give Love A Bad Name, Shaggy- It Wasn’t Me ( do a John Terry impression to sing along to this one), New Order- We’re Playing For England (Eng-er-land), That nice Match of The Day Theme Tune