A Letter To Gordon Brown

(this letter was sent to Gordon Brown on 12th March 2010 – awaiting a reply)

Dear Gordon Brown,

Let me first begin by saying that you are a very handsome man. Don’t worry this isn’t one of those letters. I haven’t enclosed my knickers.

I saw you once in real life. Afterwards when people said, ‘oo, what was Gordon Brown like?’ I said ‘much hotter in the flesh than he is on the telly’ and they said ‘no way’ and I said ‘yes, way.’ You see Gordon I know a handsome man when I see one, and you, with all that height and thick hair and the Scottish lilt, are a handsome man.

The public deserves to know that you are much hotter in real life and the election campaign is the perfect time to tell them. I’m thinking billboards and a party political broadcast. Don’t worry, darling, I know you’re busy so I’ve sorted out the campaign for you. It’s sexy. This election needs to start getting us hot in our M and S briefs. And it’s funny. I’ve always found that the main problem with parliamentary campaigns is that there just aren’t enough knob gags.

Your billboard is a beaut. It is a photo of you, Gordon, standing alone in just a pair of union jack boxer shorts. I’ll let you keep your socks on, you are a Scots man. You’re looking directly at the camera with your lips slightly parted and come-to-bed-eyes. The slogan reads Gordon Brown: Better In the Flesh. Good eh? And that’s not all. At your feet lie a pair of boxing gloves to show us that you’re up to the challenge, to show us that you’ve got balls. But, Gordon, I don’t mean balls literally. Make sure those boxers don’t gape, the electorate doesn’t want to see your hairy fellas. The boxing gloves show that you are going to fight for our vote, fight for our love, fight for this love, Gordon.

Do you see what I did there? I cunningly led into the lyrics of Cheryl Coles pop classic Fight For This Love.
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it’s worth having it’s worth fighting for
You must use this song. I’m sure you know that. I’m sure the first time you heard those words, you thought, ‘back of the net! That’s my election campaign song’ and you popped some hair Extension shampoo in the post to Cheryl to thank her. But let’s take this one hip-wiggling-step further. You remember Cheryl’s sensational appearance on The X Factor? Course you do. No one could forget the sight of our Cheryl in those slashed-at-the-side-trousers.

You and your cabinet are going to perform Fight For This Love in a party political broadcast. Don’t worry Gordon, you won’t need to sing actual notes, you can just say the lines in a sexy voice like she does. The outfits can be made really cheaply with a pair of old suit trousers and some scissors.

Now then, I’ve enclosed some DVDs to help you with the dance routine. Gordon, I don’t wish to be indelicate, it’s just I have a feeling that the lot of you probably dance like Bez with both his legs in plaster. You may find it hard to copy Cheryl’s choreography down to every hip flick and jazz hand. So I’m going to set you off with something simple.

Right, gather the cabinet together in a V formation. You at the front, flanked by Darling and Mandy, the rest of them in rows behind. Get a Lord to read the dance steps in bold.

It’s easy. Like a line dance. So…off we go.

Step, step, step (by step, step, step obviously i mean sexy stomp, sexy stomp, sexy stomp -with ATTITUDE, head up, lips in a pout – that’s it Gordon, looking good)

Rotate hips to the right. Rotate hips to the left. (Think Shakira. The Hips Don’t Lie. We’re all very relieved John Precott resigned for this one)

Right shoulder up and back. Left shoulder up and back (make sure David Milliband stops grinning, his lips should be parted seductively for this one)

Step to the right and shimmy. Step to the left and shimmy ( tell Harriet not to look down, she’ll look like a drunk mum at a wedding.)

Step, step, step and boxercise punch

Repeat

Really it couldn’t be easier. For the finale, the cabinet are going to lift you up, Gordon. So you just lean back and they’ll take your weight and lift you gloriously in the air (I would check the height of the room first) They’ll walk you round the stage area and then exit. It is usually advisable to strike a pose when you are in the air Gordon. Legsakimbo can be very dramatic.

And there you have it. Your new poster campaign and party political broadcast sorted. I’d take the morning off now and watch This Morning.

On a lighter note. I’ve joined a gym. You’re fighting for this love, I’m fighting the flab. Not that you’d be able to comment Gordon, when I met you I was in a thong. Good grief, I didn’t mean that, did I? A throng! Anyway, yes, time to fight the flab and combat the cheese. Because I do like my cheese ,Gordon.

Well, warmest wishes to you and I really cannot wait to see it all.

Yours very sincerely

A.Friend

(I sent these with the letter to help him)